MSN nightmare

Something very, VERY bad nearly happened last night.

I stupidly (stupid stupid stupid) left MSN logged in on our home computer. Hubby and I have seperate log in bits but he logged into mine and started surfing the 'net.

15 minutes in, a chat box pops up with 'Hey, wanna chat?' in it. Hubby shouts into the kitchen to tell me I'm being spammed. I walk in, and when I notice the dialog box open I nearly have a heart attack.

I laugh, and ask him to tell me what the email address is. Hotcrossbuns69@hotmail.com. Thankfully, most IllicitEncounters members (regardless of whether they are 30 year old playboys or 50 year old sugar daddies) have ridiculous, porno-sounding email addresses. I tell Hub that randoms always add me on there, even though I only use it to talk to my cousin in Austria. He seems amused, and logs me out.

If he'd have bothered to open the MSN window he would have seen the hundreds of ridiculous male email addresses listed in my address book. He didn't, but that's not le point. I don't really want to experience a closer shave than that...might just get cut.

Have made pact with self that I will not use MSN from home, and will only log in to IE from work (if only my boss could reasd this). Phew. What a scrape.

Rumpy, pumpy.

So James and I met last weekend. Relief flooded over me when I realised that he didn't have a box of my stuff with him. He's not going to leave. He just needs a little space.

Funny how, after you agree not to see someone for a while, you end up accidentally having a week of non-stop sexual shennaigans. Many an excuse was made. Seriously, two nights ago I swore I heard my foo-foo say 'Please stop'.

Despite this, I am back on IllicitEncounters this week. Not that I'm actually DOING anything. I'm just...dipping my toes in.

Stop tutting.

Also, have got completely re-engrossed with Heart and Bones, this superb drama that was aired in 2000 on the Beeb about a group of couples. Lots of infidelity, so good watching for IE members. The main storyline evoked a lot of empathy. Well, as much empathy as you can have for fictional characters.

It's all on YouTube. Here's the link. Some lovely lovely lady uploaded the whole thing...

...aaaaand Damian Lewis is in it. I love a buff ginger.

That sounds like a biscuit.

It's okay...It's alright...breath...

Y'know when you're not talking to someone you care about and every second you're not in contact feels like you're struggling to breath? No. Oh. Just me then.

Everything's okay. At least sort of okay. James texted me yesterday without prompting and apologised to me for being 'off'. I was going to reply, "Damn right you should apologise you bastard", but I feared that may agrivate the situation somewhat. He wants to see me this weekend (Hubby's away with some friends so I'm off the hook). Usually I would be panicking in anticipation of being dumped and preparing my "You can't leave me, we're meant for each other" speech, but he pre-empted my fears and has assured me it's nothing like that.

Unless he's only saying that to put me at ease, when he really is thinking of breaking up.

STUPID brain. Shutupshutupshutup.

Recipe for an Adulterous Married Woman
1 x pinch of dellusion
1 x teaspoon of guilt
1 x knob of husband
2 x tablespoons of schoolgirl ecstasy
3 x tablespoons of paranoia

Mix all ingredients. Leave husband aside (for basting). Cook slowly. Serve over-cooked.

*Chews nails*

I think James is going to break-up with me.

Can you break-up with someone who is already with someone else?

We were sat in the car yesterday after a meal and we were just about to set off for the hotel and he was just staring at the steering wheel. Like he was imagining a car crash. I've never seen him look like that before.

I asked him what was wrong. He said "nothing". And that's how I knew something was up. Normally, we are very honest with each other. Painfully so. If I'm feeling trapped or he doesn't want to see me for a week, we tell each other.

But this was different. We drove in silence to the tube. His gaze was empty and when he hugged me I felt like I was hugging a life-size polestyrine model of him. We didn't arrange to meet again and once he'd said goodbye, he just closed the car door and drove off, leaving me stood on the pavement.

I am so sad. This is the kind of pain I last experienced at 15, when I realised my sixth-form crush had told his friends I looked like a donkey. It is strangely exciting to feel so deeply upset about someone. But James isn't just another relationship. He is a whole new life for me. Loosing him would leave a void which could make everything implode...including my marriage.

I have to find a way of keeping this together. There have been no texts as yet. If he doesn't contact me in a week I will suggest we meet up.


I hate how, only a few months ago, I was comtemplating leaving him. I never noticed hwo much I needed him in my life. 'The Illicit Lover'. I guess Joni was right, eh?